This concept has been swirling around, trying to find its place of integration. In some ways, it is still unformed in how I'd like to apply it to my practice - to working with individuals and couples on enjoying intimacy more.
There is so much rush in everyday life. So much doing. So much demanding your attention. I'd call it "loud." There is definitely an argument for those who might say that it is a privilege to live a quieter, more simpler life. To not need to be in rush and pursuit. "The grind," as we often here it called in Atlanta. Hmm. I wonder if we can consider that there are some things that are what we should strive for...and I think that a quiet, precious life is one of them. That can mean different things to different people, but I believe that through all walks of life, we eventually arrive at the same conclusion: we want more time, we want more rest, we want more enjoyment.
It would be lovely to enjoy the work that you do, and for that work to also provide income and financial stability. And if you do not enjoy your work, it would be lovely to create a lifestyle that makes the "must do" parts feel more worth it. To have something simple and beautiful to come home to. To have people that you belong to - who accept you. To have some space in this world where you don't consistently feel a sense of dread, anger, anxiety, frustration...
I think this is why I push so much for the work that I do as a therapist. Often, the couples who choose me for their journey will come back from a two-week or two-month hiatus, and they'll plop on the couch and exhale deeply.
"How have things been since our last session?" I usually start.
"Busy," is almost always, always, the immediate answer.
The busyness takes many shapes and forms. The busyness is sometimes related to the children's complicated schedules. Some people are in transition - moving from home to home or job to job. Others are managing loss. Others have simply entered a somewhat comatose state, and woken up months later to the feeling that every single day in between has looked the same. Busy.
I think I feel a collective frustration for us, as humanity. I wonder what alternatives we have to "busy." Do some of us take pride in that feeling? I know I certainly have. It's nice to feel like there is much to do. And in some senses, I think that can be good. A sense of productivity, accomplishment, forward-movement.
But what about when the "busy" is unconscious? I've been guilty of spending hours scrolling on my phone, surprised by the time warp. Or when life feels so hurried that you speed up in traffic, zoom past cars - only to arrive 2 minutes earlier than you otherwise would have. What is it that puts us into a perpetual state of hurry?
We talk about vacations as the exception. A timeless time. You wake, you eat, you rest, repeat. For some, you explore and adventure. Of course, this can't be our everyday rhythm. But what if work and the other responsibilities and duties of life could fall in line with this kind of living?
If your mind jumps to reasons why this can't be true for you - let me pause and validate that. No need to argue at all. It's true. Sometimes life is set up in such a way that it feels we are fighting the current - a lot happening, all at once, all out of our control. I'm speaking to the ability - if you currently have the capacity - to zoom out and think of life as a whole. Can we find small moments of slow that will accumulate and produce a positive result?
Maybe we leave the house earlier so we don't need to rush to our destination.
Maybe we subtract some of the things that pack our weekend and create irritability.
Maybe we don't need to be everything for everyone. We do our one thing and rest there.
How this looks for you is entirely your own to imagine. And that's just the thing: it'll take a moment of stillness and time to imagine it. But please, do give yourself that time.
about the author
Sade is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in couples and sex therapy. she also provides supportive dating coaching for singles in the United States and internationally.
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