It's the biggest question that a spouse wants to know when they discover that their husband or wife has cheated on them.
For context - so you know who you're reading from right now - I (Sade) am a licensed marriage and family therapist in the state of Georgia. I have chosen to specialize in affair recovery and sex therapy, and I can confidently say that while every couple's situation may be different, there are some themes that arise and unite their stories.
On one hand, the sense of betrayal is overwhelming. As the injured spouse, you are reeling, going through memories of missed phone calls, late nights at the office - anything that will help you point to an answer for "how did I miss this?" You are angry at your spouse. Livid. You are angry at yourself for not catching it sooner. You want answers, a complete timeline, and an explanation: "why did you cheat on me?" You feel embarrassed, maybe even humiliated. Exposed, definitely.
On the other hand, this is the love of your life, even still. After years or decades together, you have an overflowing mental drive of fond memories: holidays with the children, date nights in the city, and the mundane day-to-day moments that make life meaningful. Inside, there is still a desire to snuggle close and continue the vow to grow old together. The jealousy is maddening that someone else - some strange person who does not know your spouse as well as you do - has somehow managed to gain their affection, intimacy, attention.
So deep down inside, something shatters. Your sense of self becomes split. One part of you wants to fight for your marriage - to regain what was lost, to keep your family intact for the children, to honor the covenant you made before God. You don't want your kids growing up in a broken home. You don't want to not belong to each other anymore. But the other part of you feels...disappointed...that your decision to leave isn't more immediate. After all, you have heard stories of others who have been cheated on and you would have advised them to leave. You get angry at yourself for not cutting the chord and being strong enough to walk away. You oscillate between love and anger; between making plans for the future and making plans for a divorce. You wake up in the morning feeling hopeful, but by lunchtime you don't want to see their face ever again.
And to make matters worse, you now have to consider what you tell your family, friends, or children. Especially during the holidays, the question of "do we go visit them together?" may come up. You may wonder how to explain to young children why mommy and daddy are sleeping in separate bedrooms. Or why mommy and daddy are living in separate houses.
It feels like humiliation.
It feels like rage.
It feels like grief.
It feels like... wishing this could somehow be resolved and they can be yours again. Only yours.
"So, why do I still love them?"
You formed an attachment with this person, slowly and firmly, over the years you have been together. You have loved them wholly. You have seen them sick, you have seen them celebrate, you have bought groceries together and you know their order at a restaurant. You made plans for retirement, likely. They know you in a way that no one else does. They are a part of you, and they hold a part of you. Of course you love them. This is most natural, most human, and most expected.
I ask, if possible, that you treat this part of you very kindly; the part that loves intensely, the part that was faithful and trusting, the part that has now been emotionally injured in such an impossible way. Treat that part with gentleness and kindness - not scorn or contempt. To love fully is the task of marriage. To choose fully is faith. You did this. It is human to love.
And this likely explains why this new part of you - the betrayed part - is having such a difficult time putting the pieces of the puzzle together. You want to analyze the situation in order to understand, to regain a sense of control, to re-establish safety and truth in your world. There is a sense of justice to it all. You want to judge if the marriage is viable - and if so, "how can we make sure this never happens again?" Or "how do I know that you really want to stay with me?"
You are trying to find stability and reassurance in the ashes of a fire that you didn't set.
In the process of therapy for affair recovery, we slowly begin to untangle all of the pieces: the affair itself, of course, but also the dynamics of your relationship pre-affair. Things like issues that were unaddressed and chronic that you may not have noticed. We stabilize the present moment by setting short-term expectations (where should we sleep? should we be talking about the affair? should we still be having sex? how do we talk to each other without blowing things up? what happens when I'm triggered? ). We look at the affair and what purpose it may have held (this is the part that is different between depending on the couple). And we start to discern what option is best for the two of you - without the opinions or input of family and friends.
Some couples choose to separate and rebuild apart from each other. Some couples take on the monumental task of building "marriage 2.0" that will be different than the pre-affair relationship, but strong in its own way. And for others, the pain of an affair becomes so paralyzing that they stay frozen, not moving forward or backwards.
What Should I Do After Learning About Their Affair?
If you don't remember anything else from this article, remember to treat your heart with kindness and tenderness - much like you would for a small child who is experiencing great pain. Do not judge or criticize yourself for still feeling love for a spouse that cheated on you.
And in regards to next steps, identify the safe people in your life that you can rely on to support you without imposing their own opinions. Perhaps you'll need to let them know that you don't want advice on whether to stay or leave; you simply need their love. If you are trying to revive your marriage and work on the relationship, let the support system you choose be full of folks who genuinely want goodness for both of you.
Seeking support from a therapist who is trained in affair recovery is also important. While many therapists may work with couples, not all couples therapists are trained in affair recovery or sex therapy. If you live in the state of Georgia, you are welcome to schedule a consultation to see if we would be a good fit to work together for individual or couples therapy, virtually or in-person.
about the author
Sade is a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in affair recovery and sex therapy. She also hosts singles and couples events that provide a warm atmosphere for intentional connection.
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