My Wife Doesn't Want to Have Sex Anymore
- Sade Jovanne
- Apr 4
- 5 min read
Oof, this is a hard one. You're between a rock and a hard place.
You love your wife. You love her so much that you want to be close to her body - intimately and often. And what she doesn't get is that it isn't only about sex for you: you genuinely feel an emotional connection through your lovemaking. You prefer sex with her, not by yourself. You want her.
But throughout the relationship, her interest in sex has decreased. In dating, you used to get handsy together. You'd burn with passion and longing for each other. But on the other side of marriage, kids, work schedules, laundry, and household tasks...the flame seems to have dwindled for her (but not for you).
Now, you find yourself waiting for her to give you the greenlight. You don't initiate sex anymore; you stopped doing that a while ago. You got tired of the rejection (which she doesn't realize is so, so hurtful). You got tired of her passively receiving intercourse - because it feels wrong. That isn't what you want. You want her present, there, with you. But months or years into the relationship, she essentially now decides when you do or don't have sex. She is the gatekeeper - and she never quite seems to be in the mood.
Then one day, there is a soft conversation (or an explosive argument) where she decides that she is done. She doesn't want to do it anymore. Sex is off the table. Maybe she tells you to "take care of yourself." Maybe she doesn't say anything outright, but she simply stops saying "yes" or initiating on her own. The bedroom gets quiet. You still love her, of course, but the gap in your sex life is now creating a gap in your overall sense of connection and closeness. You feel like friends. Maybe you feel like strangers.
What Can I Do if My Wife Doesn't Want to Have Sex?
I'll speak to you bluntly: you can't get your wife interested in sex.
No amount of back rubs, surprise flowers, or warm bubble baths are going to convince her to desire sex if this isn't an inherent desire for her. (Now hold on, don't lose hope - there's a part two to this).
So often, men think that pushing the right buttons will yield the result they want. And maybe in your work environment, that's exactly how it goes! Input, output. Easy, simple, predictable. But relationally, there is so much more to female desire than "do this, get that." In my work as a sex therapist in Atlanta, Georgia, we spend at least three sessions going in-depth into how the female body, brain, and worldview all combine to influence the way she views sex.
Disclaimer: not all women think the same way about sex - but, if you are reading this article, your wife may fall into the generalizations I'm discussing.
You'll need to learn her language in order to seduce her. She needs to learn your language in order to seduce you. It's a mutual dance: two humans, completely different in their views of sexuality, learning how to get into sync with one another. I'd love to chat with you about your specific story, but I'll give you a hint: your wife may not be intrinsically motivated by the desire for sexual intercourse.
I'll say it again: your wife may not be motivated by the desire to have sexual intercourse.
Sexual Intercourse is Different for Men and Women
The experience of sex for men and women is just different. Your penis is going to feel all sorts of thrilling sensations in the chase, the entrance, the oneness with your wife. The climax, for many men, is a euphoric release that brings a sense of calm and clarity afterwards.
On the other hand, women may find their pleasure to be shifting or unknown to them. Sometimes sex is delightful and physically stimulating; other times, it feels neutral. Some days, morning sex is just what the doctor ordered. Other days, she'll loathe you if attempt to wake her up.
She may even have an orgasm, but still not feel the sense of "satisfaction" that you feel after yours. She may not know what feels good - and your constant questions about it may be overwhelming, not helpful in the way that you intend. One of the reasons I also hone in on "intercourse" specifically is because, for some ladies, penetration doesn't bring the same intensity of pleasure that you may feel. For whatever you may have seen in porn, please know this: each woman's experience is her own. You cannot impose outside expectations onto the human body like a one-size-fits-all manual.
Because of all this, for some women (not all women), intercourse may be an afterthought. But hey, listen, listen - I said that intercourse is the afterthought, not you. It's important that you don't confuse the two. You are not sex. Sex is not you. Sex is something that you do; so learn to not take it so personally if she rejects the activity. Yes, the activity includes you - but she is not seeing you and sex as one and the same.
Back to my thought; intercourse may be an afterthought, so when you nudge her and try to invite her into that space, she is thinking of all the other actions and activities that must come before that. She's thinking about if she is physically turned on (which she likely is not). She's thinking about if she is gassy, or if she ate dinner and had a shower yet, or if she feels beautiful that day. She is wondering if the kids will disturb you, or if she will have time to get a full night of sleep if you get things started.
She is rejecting the load of tasks. And the enjoyment of sex (which she likely does enjoy when you two finally get there), probably doesn't always outweigh the heaviness of everything on her mind.
I Have Tried Everything; What Can I Do Now?
Pause. If you are overexerting yourself and none of your efforts are yielding the result you want, it is time to take a moment to reflect. Let's get a game plan together, a strategy.
As I mentioned before, women can't be given a one-size-fits-all prescription. So you'll be very frustrated to know that I'm not going to give you cookie-cutter advice right now. I will say, this is time to get to know your wife, while also accepting that her sex drive may operate completely differently than you think it does.
This is why I became a therapist, and why I focus on sex therapy and communication around sexual issues. No one taught us how to talk about sex outside of "do you wanna...." No one gave us a manual - and the one that porn likely downloaded in your mind does not apply to your wife.
If your wife doesn't want to have sex anymore, it may be beneficial to enter a professional environment and sit with a sex therapist to open up the channels of communication, address any blocks or resistance to intimacy, and encourage a plan moving forward that honors both of your sexual and emotional needs.
a b o u t t h e a u t h o r
Hi, there! I'm Sade. I am a licensed marriage and family therapist in the metro Atlanta area specializing in couples and sex therapy. I also am the voice behind the My Intimacy Therapist Podcast, and host date nights for singles and couples in the metro Atlanta area.
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